Category: Boise Roommate Saga, Fall 2021

I didn’t immediately understand that I needed to go to Boise. I had hired a defense attorney and was researching eviction attorneys. What exactly else was needed? My friend, Alan, thought otherwise. Alan and I trade coaching – I coach him for free in exchange for him coaching me for free. So he was one of the few people who knew what was going on, and he was adamant that I needed to go out there. But I was having trouble picturing my role. What would I do when I got there? But Alan was literally threatening to go out there himself, so hmmm, I guess I needed to go to Boise.

Then Laura called, and she was also thinking that we needed to go out there. She sounded ready to go. She shouldn’t have to go alone, so I said, ok, I’ll go too. I’ll figure out how to get up there.

Clearly I was going to need to go to Boise for an undetermined length of time. But what about Biska, my new puppy? I was still fostering her. The rescue group wouldn’t allow me to adopt her until she had been spayed. And I had no say whatsoever over when her spay appointment was. I was just told when and where to show up. Non-negotiable. If I missed it, they would repossess my dog.

I couldn’t leave Tucson until Biska was spayed and we had adopted her. But I couldn’t make any travel plans because I didn’t know when her spay was actually going to happen. They kept changing my appointment day! First they said October 4. Then they changed it to October 14. Then they switched it back to October 4 again. Meanwhile, the reports from Boise were more and more alarming. I felt trapped – it was like I was on some sort of puppy probation with an ankle bracelet – I couldn’t go anywhere!

Finally the day came to get her spayed. The rescue group was having her spay done at the absolute cheapest (worst) clinic in town and we were not allowed to pay for our own vet to do it. The cut rate place got the job done, but the stitch job was the messiest I’ve ever seen. A couple of days after surgery the top layer started to separate and bleed, and we had to go back to ensure that stitches underneath weren’t at risk of popping out.

The whole thing was very worrying, and meanwhile I was trying to figure out how to get out of town.

At least we were finally be able to officially adopt her, and we shouldn’t have to deal with the rescue agency ever again. Ever again!

She was cute in her cone.

You can see that Tucson was still getting monsoon rains in early October.

We were supposed to be keeping her calm, but that was stupidly impossible. She had all her puppy energy!

She was spayed, she was ours, and it looked like her stitches were holding. And I needed to be in Boise. As soon as I was pretty sure she was safe to travel, I piled her, cone and all, into the van with tons of luggage for any contingency, and the two of us started our slow drive to Boise.

To send Kristina a comment, email turning51bykristina@gmail.com

I left off last post talking about a phone conversation I had with Chirstina, where she was describing a strange incident involving the roommates hiding the kitchen chairs in the garage as “punishment” for her failing to push the chairs in when she left the room. That and a variety of other incidents made it clear that the roommates were systematically controlling, manipulating and bullying Callan and Chirstina, who were avoiding conflict and trying to appease the roommates. Then Chirstina got Callan’s permission to tell me everything, and she let the bomb drop.

Callan has a misdemeanor battery charge for allegedly pushing Kylie, one of the roommates. WHAT?!? I nearly lost my shit. My kid? Has a battery charge?

How is that even possible? Callan has been so unbelievably patient with these freeloading, verbally abusive, messed up crazy roommates. And Callan has a battery charge? I’m picturing my child going to jail. Not only that, but the hearing was very soon and they hadn’t hired an attorney because of the expense.

Apparently one of the roommates, Kylie, had been in Callan’s doorway, in Callan’s face screaming, and Callan had been repeatedly asking Kylie to back off. Callan kept explaining that they didn’t want to talk right now and just needed some space and to please just leave them alone. Callan finally told Kylie to “Fuck off and leave me alone, just leave me alone.” Callan then put their hands in the air, palms out, in a defensive gesture, apparently making slight contact with Kylie’s shoulder. Kylie then did an exaggerated prat fall against the wall and yelled to Heidi, “He laid hands on me! Call the police!”

Laid hands on? Callan thought that was a strange choice of words. Is it a legal term? Or intended to sound like one? Eventually we came to realize that this was the break Heidi and Kylie had been waiting for; their means to keep Callan under their control.

The police came out, and unfortunately wrote it up. But what can they do? Domestic violence is real and serious. Too often the police do nothing even when the victim is badly hurt. Due to recent political pressure, or for whatever reason, the policeman felt like he had to write it up.

Call me a biased mom, and I won’t deny that. But here is what the policeman wrote in his report:

“I observed a red mark on Kylie’s left shoulder, however, it was apparent that most of the red mark was caused by her rubbing her own shoulder to sooth it. While interviewing Kylie she was constantly touching and rubbing on her shoulder causing more redness to appear.”

What a fraud. Did the roommates deliberately entrap and frame Callan? Or did they simply recognize an opportunity when it came? They didn’t even do a particularly sophisticated job, but it was good enough for the State of Idaho.

From this moment out, Heidi and Kylie used the charge as blackmail, dangling the carrot and stick of how they would “testify” at the hearing. They convinced Callan that they had the power to decide whether the charges would be dropped or not. They threatened Callan with jail and job loss. Callan was paralyzed in full appeasement mode.

I had to find an attorney, and I had to find one fast.

Oh and get this. You want to know what Kylie was screaming at Callan for? Callan and Chirstina had invited a couple of dinner guests over without Heidi and Kylie’s permission. These are roommates who aren’t paying rent and had repeatedly been asked to leave, screaming because the home owner had invited over a couple of dinner guests.

At first I thought that I should get one attorney who could help us with both the battery charge and getting the roommates evicted. After all, those issues were entwined. But it turns out we needed a criminal defense attorney for the misdemeanor battery charge, while an eviction is a civil suit. These two types of attorneys aren’t remotely similar. Luckily I have a friend who is an attorney (in the field of medicine), and she was able to explain to me that good attorneys are very specialized, so I would need two different ones.

I got out my computer and started researching and calling attorneys. Chirstina did the same. Soon we had settled on a defense attorney. I paid the retainer (ouch that was expensive) and got that ball rolling.

Step two, did I need to actually go to Boise?

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About half of you are going “Puppy ❤️ Puppy ❤️ Puppy ❤️” and the other half of you are going, “What the heck is going on in Boise?!? Why do you keep darkly hinting about having to suddenly go to Boise? Should we be worried? Would you stop posting dog pictures and just let us know what’s going down out there?“

As most of you know, the youngest of my two kids came out as non-binary a year ago, goes by “they/them” pronouns, uses the first name “Callan” for general and professional use and the nickname “Serenity” for close friends and family. Callan and Callan’s girlfriend, Chirstina, have been living in Callan’s 3-bed, 3-bath house with two roommates; a lesbian couple named Heidi & Kylie. Callan owns the house.

For nearly a year I had been hearing rumors that Heidi and Kylie were drama-prone drunks and were behind on their rent payments. When I visited in July I didn’t actually get a chance to meet the roommates, but I heard that they were in the process of moving out. Chirstina and Callan had even interviewed a potential new roommate.

That was in July. After that, nothing much seemed to change. At first, Callan had started to become more insistent about trying to collect the owed rent. But more recently, it seemed as if Callan wasn’t worried about the rent anymore. Everything was fine. I questioned Callan occasionally, but I didn’t want to be an overly involved mom. It is Callan’s house after all. Callan kept telling me that yes, the roommates were behind on their rent, but don’t worry, everything was ok.

Toward the end of September I was talking on the phone with Chirstina and she was quite stressed out. She was telling me a strange story about how the roommates put the kitchen bar stools in the garage as a “punishment” to teach Chirstina a lesson because she kept failing to push the chairs in under the counter overhang when she was done using them.

On one hand, this seemed like a very minor spat. On the other hand, it was ringing alarm bells. It was just strange. Who does that? They put the chairs in the garage to teach her a lesson? Wha?!? Why were these roommates harassing Callan’s girlfriend in such a petty and weird way, when they weren’t even caught up on their rent payments?

Finally Chirstina turns to Callan, who was nearby, and asked permission to tell me the story. To tell me what was actually going on.

It came out in a jumble but I was able to piece together that the roommates were controlling Callan and Chirstina by screaming at them, bullying them, taunting them, and, believe it or not, blackmailing them. Callan and Chirstina, who are by personality natural peacemakers, were simply appeasing their roommates, hoping to not set them off. Pretty soon the roommates were running the household like tyrants and refusing to “let” Callan and Chirstina tell me or anyone else what was going on. Part of the mind-games the roommates used were lots of lots of “I love you’s” and other supportive sounding statements.

This kind of manipulation can easily happen to someone on the autism spectrum. Those on the spectrum often struggle with social situations and can be very conflict avoidant due to lack of negotiation skills.

Controlling and manipulative relationships can happen to anyone. Over time people can find themselves in a situation that involves a combination of apparent love along with abuse. The controllers do what they can to isolate those being controlled. Those being controlled can lose their self-esteem and lose the belief that they can safely get out of the situation. They become increasingly isolated and increasingly desperate to appease their abusers and keep the situation a secret for their own safety. It can feel safer to stay in the relationship and appease the abuser than to try to get out of the relationship.

In our society we don’t tend to clearly recognize or understand this type of abusive relationship dynamic, and when we do, we tend to assume it only happens within a romantic relationship. But it can happen among friends, family, roommates, or in the workplace.

Heidi and Kylie were controlling Callan and Chirstina with their manipulative drama tactics. Callan and Chirstina would repeatedly back down and capitulate in order to avoid drama.

In this way, Heidi and Kylie had avoided paying rent for many months. They made promise after promise, continually reassuring Callan, who was not willing to have the confrontation necessary to literally kick these deadbeats out.

And realistically, how does one make someone leave one’s own house? I can’t imagine refusing to leave if someone asked me to leave their house. Can you imagine the gall? To continue to live in someone’s house with them against their will? Who would do that? These roommates, apparently.

The roommates had also taken over Callan’s car. Callan could borrow it back occasionally, if and when the roommates didn’t need it. The roommates had also pretty much taken over the house. Callan and Chirstina weren’t allowed to use the kitchen when the roommates wanted it or to even be in the dining room or living room when the roommates wanted the kitchen.

Then things had gotten even worse. What started out as manipulative ended up as blackmail. More on that next post.

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