Category: 2021

It seems inadequate

It all seems so inadequate somehow. I’ve done my surgery, I’ve done my chemo, and now I wait. I practice positive image visualization. I fast one day per week. I exorcise my demons and exercise my body. I drink decaffeinated coffee all day long. Somehow these things are supposed to help fight cancer, but they don’t, not really. Cancer – it comes. Cancer – it goes. Sometimes it stays. Nobody knows.

I read about the new, apparently massively more contagious virus mutation and I did what? Nothing. What can we do? I ordered an extra week’s worth of groceries. I felt a bit foolish doing it. Great, now I have two bottles of pear juice instead of one. An extra dozen eggs. An extra box of cereal. It felt privileged. Pointless. Paranoid.

I read about how hard the economic disruptions are for so many people. I try to spread a little bit of money around. I tip the people who bring my groceries. I give a little to local community causes. A little more to a friend in need. But to what end? Our country is crumbling and I am handing five extra bucks to my delivery driver. This solves nothing.

Suddenly there is cancer all around me. Not just in my cancer support groups, where I’d expect it. Suddenly it’s my family, my family’s friends, and my friend’s families. Where did all this cancer come from? I send hopefully-supportive emails. I cannot cure cancer.

Here we are, in our new year now. It feels a lot like our old year. Which was absolutely nothing like the entire other 50 years that lurk like a fading dream in my memory. I have been dreaming, lately, of magic beanstalks. I’m wondering if I should look up that old story and figure out what that’s about. But I do not like old stories; they are creepy and dark.

My beanstalk is bright and colorful and backlit by the sunlight. It grows strong and fast, with many vines looped together in friendship, providing easy footholds. I climb it rapidly and joyously, with boundless energy. I do not want to think about weird old stories of family tragedy and giant ogres.

I try to reach out more – cards, emails, texts, phone appointments, video appointments. I’m not very good at reaching out. But of all the inadequate things, it seems like the most useful at the moment. I reach out – for your sake, for my sake, for all of our sake. It’s not a lot, but probably what we can do right now.

Sorry I do not have any pictures for this post. I would paint my multi-colored magic beanstalk for you, but I don’t know how. I would take a screenshot of my mind.

To send Kristina a comment, email turning51bykristina@gmail.com

Dancing Robots

John wants you all to see this video. Thanks to my goofy husband, to start the new year off right, you now have the best dang YouTube video that you’ve seen for awhile!

By the way, John can’t dance. Well, he might be able to dance, but he’s so sure he can’t that unlike these robots – he won’t try! I love him anyway.

Happy New Year! Now everybody…DANCE!

To send Kristina a comment, email turning51bykristina@gmail.com

Camper Vans and Hail Storms

Our camper van is my favorite possession! I’ve wanted one for many years. Finally, last year on my 50th birthday, John gave me a little toy van with a promise for a real one soon.

After a nation-wide hunt, he found the perfect van. It’s a 2012 Nissan cargo van, with a high roof – it’s 6 foot high, tall enough for us to easily stand up in it. The previous owner had already started the process of converting it to a camper van.

Most importantly, the previous owner had installed 2 large solar panels on the roof and a large pack of batteries under the bed.

The solar panels provide a generous amount of power to run things while the van is parked.

For example, in addition to charging our phones and laptops, we can run lights, an electric cooler, a microwave, an electric hot plate, an electric blanket and even an air conditioner – all while parked with the engine off.

The cooler (for refrigeration of food) runs constantly. The other appliances we turn on as needed. So far we’ve not had any issues with running out of power, although we haven’t needed the air conditioner yet.

The previous owner also installed a ceiling vent and fan, a sink and counter on one side, and a narrow bed on the other side.

John has since significantly expanded the width of the bed with a fold-down section (pictured) and a removable section (not pictured). When assembled, it takes up all the remaining space in the van and sleeps two quite comfortably. When folded down, it reverts to a seating bench. John has also added a significant amount of storage space and has plans for more.

We have also installed a composting toilet, which is a wonderful thing to have. No more searching for non-existent rest stops in middle of no-where New Mexico (and no-where Arizona, and no-where Utah, and all the other unpopulated areas we like to go). No more shitting in the woods in a hailstorm or mosquito swarm. For those of you who don’t backpack, let me tell you, an indoor toilet is one of the greatest inventions of humanity (that and painkillers). Here’s a photo; the toilet is installed at the very back of the van, at the foot of the bed. And the amazing thing? It does not stink!! (By the end of the week our garbage stunk, and the dog stunk, and we probably stunk, but the toilet didn’t!)

Future upgrades we have planned for the van include more storage racks bolted to the walls, larger tires for more clearance when on forest roads, and improved lighting.

Playing “My van is better than your van” on the freeway 😝

I told John that our van may well mark the end of my backpacking days. He laughed. But seriously, why trudge for miles at a snail’s pace with 40 lbs on your back only to sit trapped in a hailstorm in a tent, when you could day-hike with a light pack much farther, and then return to sit out the hailstorm in the comforts of your tiny home? (If you’re wondering why do any of it at all, I can’t help you there. Perhaps it’s an acquired taste.)

What, you think I’m exaggerating about the hail? Well, don’t forget it also comes with thunder and lightening.

Outrunning the lightening in Utah, June 2015:

2 full days trapped in a small tent during almost unrelenting rain, hail, thunder and lightening, Utah, June 2016:

Waiting out the hail and lightening under a rock ledge in New Mexico, May 2017: (He shouldn’t look that happy, right?)

Waiting out the hail under a rock ledge in Colorado, August 2017: (He’s not looking as happy this time.)

Luckily that time we had a van to go back to!