Category: October 2021

Kai was 15 years old, lived a good life, and was well loved.

John and I first got Kai back in 2006 when we were still dating. He was the most adorable puppy!

Over the years, Kai went with John and I as we moved from Albuquerque to Livermore to Placitas, Santa Fe, and back to Albuquerque. We had many adventures, some good, some difficult. Along the way he was cared for by both my kids, my mother-in-law Monica, and my good friend, Sandy. He always adjusted well to whatever new adventure we were on.

Wherever we were, we went hiking. Kai was a fearless hiker.

Kai was also a great couch potato. If you sat on the couch, you would have a dog in your lap.

Kai quickly mastered the art of playing with balloons. He would carry them around by the end knot for days without popping them.

He always welcomed new arrivals to the family.

And quickly adjusted to the chaos of moving.

Sometimes he thought we were nuts, but he followed us wherever we went.

Look at that face! Kai always loved Christmas.

What’s up there on the counter, Kai? Is that your toy up there?

Who knows what secrets they shared.

I’m just sniffing! I would never rip presents open without permission!

Winner of the most spectacular setting for a dog butt. John, what are you thinking? Call him back from the edge!

Kai was not only a great hiking buddy, he was also a great fishing buddy.

In early 2021 Kai went to live with Callan. Callan had already adopted our other poodle, Kira, in 2020, and our third poodle, Rosie, passed away during the summer of 2020 at the estimated age of 17.

I just realized that Rosie never got her “life celebration” blog post that I promised back in 2020. I was very under the weather from the effects of chemo and only managed a brief couple of paragraphs and with photos at all. So maybe I’ll still do that one of these days. I truly appreciate the support of friends and family who cared for the dogs during my cancer recovery.

Kai had a fantastic dog’s life, but his health has been deteriorating for about a year. When we visited everyone in Boise in July, I suspected Kai wouldn’t live much longer. I let the kids know to expect it. More recently Callan had called me a few times with reports of Kai’s continued poor health and vet visits.

When I arrived in Boise in October and saw Kai, my opinion was it was time to put him down. He had mobility issues, intermittent incontinence, his breathing was labored, and he was coughing continuously.

But the roommates were very attached to Kai and treating him well. They weren’t ready to put him down, and wanted to find an apartment that allows pets. I wasn’t going to argue with them. As frustrated as we were with them, Kai had become part of their family and we didn’t want to deny them the love of an old dog. So one of the last things we did before ceasing all communication with them, was to email them Kai’s vaccination records so they could qualify for an apartment with Kai.

Unfortunately Kai didn’t quite make it long enough for one more move. It was during the time that we were in the airbnb and the roommates were still in Callan’s house that the roommates texted to let us know that they had to take Kai back to the vet again and it was time to say good-bye. We were sorry to not to be able to say that final good-bye, but we did not feel like it was worth interacting with the roommates at that point. And we already knew it was Kai’s time. So the roommates went ahead and put him down without us there.

It was a good 15 years with our adventure buddy.

To send Kristina a comment, email turning51bykristina@gmail.com

Although the eviction process was taking up most of our attention, more worrisome is the misdemeanor battery charge. Although not a felony, the charge could result in fines, probation or even a small amount of jail time.

After spending days combing through thousands of messages between Callan and the roommates, Laura and I had compiled 150 pages of the most egregious examples of roommate misconduct. We were exhausted but ready. It was time to talk with our attorney.

Shortly before leaving for our appointment, I took Callan aside to offer a few pointers. I always believe in preparing ahead of time for meetings. But it’s always risky whenever a parent tries to offer advice. I decided to try to coach Callan briefly, because Callan wouldn’t instinctively know what’s important to do or say during the meeting with the attorney.

I wanted to suggest that Callan not emphasize their autism because that isn’t an excuse under the law. I wanted Callan to emphasize the self-defense aspect of the situation instead, because that is legally more important. Regardless of how the law ought to be written, that is how the law is written.

I also suggested that Callan to wear their device, called a Speakeasy, that fits in the ear and looks like a hearing aid, which decreases Callan’s stuttering. It makes it easier to understand Callan when Callan wears it.

Callan disagreed on both accounts. Callan had been internalizing unhelpful attitudes from the roommates. The roommates are ableists* who look down on people with disabilities. They managed to convince Callan that any kind of aid, or accommodation, was something to be ashamed of. So Callan had stopped using the Speakeasy device.

I attempted to convince Callan that it wasn’t anything to be ashamed of, and compared it to other aids, like smart phones. But Callan wasn’t buying my arguments because the whole thing sounded to Callan like masking.

Masking is a term used for when people with disabilities or chronic pain do what they can to hide their disability. The problem with masking is that it takes an enormous amount of effort and it is for the sake of the non-disabled majority. The belief is that the non-disabled majority should make more of an effort to accommodate those with disabilities rather than have disabled people bear the responsibility to somehow act like they aren’t disabled.

Callan has in the past been frustrated with me for how hard I’ve pushed them to learn to fit in and learn the social skills that often don’t come naturally to people on the autism spectrum. Of course I did that in hopes that those skills would enable Callan to have more successful, easier, better life. But operating in a non-autistic world as an autistic person is never easy.

Unfortunately I triggered some of Callan’s sensitivities (especially about masking the autism traits) and Callan started arguing with me. Callan said some hurtful things that sounded a lot like some of the lies the roommates have been feeding them. Then I lost it and started arguing back – those lies the roommates fed Callan aren’t true! I couldn’t stand to hear their biases coming out of Callan’s mouth.

Although we were tired, stressed and crammed together for an unknown length of time in an airbnb, we had all been getting along perfectly. But we were under an enormous amount of stress. Our ridiculously expensive airbnb was adequate but depressing. It wasn’t particularly clean, had an off odor, and the kitchen was poorly equipped. We were packed in there together under difficult circumstances and as much as we cared about each other, we’d all rather be home. 

There we were arguing, and meanwhile it was time to go see the attorney. We dashed out the door – all dressed up to meet the expensive attorney, with Callan silently fuming, me in tears, and we were running late. We piled into the car; Chirstina drove and Laura navigated from the backseat. Laura and Chirstina tried to calm Callan down (breathe in, count to 5, breathe…) because Callan can sometimes shut down when stressed. I just sat in the backseat crying and feeling sorry for myself. I felt rather pathetic and in over my head.

At one point Laura asked me if I wanted some feedback and told me I sounded “petty”. I felt the irony. “Oh, so now I have to mask how I’m feeling? Serenity doesn’t have to mask but I do?” Was I being childish? Yes. But all this stuff with attorneys felt well beyond my skill level. I wondered if I should never have gone to Boise.

Thank goodness for Laura & Chirstina! With their help we all pulled it together and calmly walked into the attorney’s office, looking and acting reasonably professional, and only 5 minutes late. We then had a productive meeting. Added bonus of covid masks – it covered up my red nose!

The attorney says that Callan’s alleged push, if it even happened at all, may actually have been lawful (self defense) because Kylie was in Callan’s face screaming in Callan’s doorway, and Callan was repeatedly asking her to back off. The attorney was pleased that Chirstina heard the whole thing and can attest to that. But it would take a trial in order for Callan to be acquitted.

The other option is the attorney can negotiate with the prosecution to reduce charges – possibly to “disturbing the peace” and a fine or something. Our attorney wants to be able to threaten to take it to trial (which the prosecution wouldn’t want to do because it’s a lot of work and we would probably win). The attorney wants to use the threat of a trial as a trump card while negotiating with the prosecution. This makes me nervous – both sides playing chicken.

I don’t want to pay for a trial over something this stupid. But I guess we will do whatever we have to do. A trial would drag on to sometime this spring – they are that far behind in trials because of covid. Meanwhile, the hearing was set for mid-November.

*Ableism is the discrimination of and social prejudice against people with disabilities based on the belief that typical abilities are superior. At its heart, ableism is rooted in the assumption that disabled people require ‘fixing’ and defines people by their disability.

To send Kristina a comment, email turning51bykristina@gmail.com

It was a relief for me when we were able to move into the airbnb. There is a housing shortage going on in Boise, so I had to pay an arm and a leg to get an airbnb on short notice that would accommodate all of us plus two dogs.

Biska was going through a very active puppy stage and would continually launch herself at Callan’s dog, Kira, in an attempt to play. Kira doesn’t like other dogs and didn’t want to play. Kira would snarl at her, but Biska wouldn’t heed the message and kept right at it, thinking it was all a game. We kept waiting for the dogs to sort it all out themselves, but in the end we had to keep the dogs separated. This created a logistical challenge, with one or both dogs whining behind doors, gates, and make-shift barriers.

I don’t know what I would have done without the fenced backyard.

The play structure looked a bit dubious (we never tried it, lol), but the backyard enabled Biska to run off some energy and gave me a place to retreat.

I had a bedroom in the airbnb, but during the workday Laura used it for her video conferences. I coached my clients and talked with attorneys on the phone in the backyard. That worked for a couple of days until it started to rain! At that point I moved my operations into the master bedroom walk-in closet. It sounds bad, but that has become commonplace post pandemic, as multiple adults all work from home at the same time. Closets are the new offices! Most of my work is by phone but most of Laura’s is by video, so it made sense for her to have the desk. Plus, I only work part-time.

For the eviction proceedings we needed to prove that Callan had expected rent, and that the roommates knew they were supposed to pay and had agreed to pay rent. That was easy. We had a Venmo record of rent payment with the note, “for the house :)”.

We also had lots and lots of text messages about rent. “I would never not pay my rent”, she says.

And then over the months there were many more requests and promises about rent.

Meanwhile, for the misdemeanor battery charge against Callan, we needed to demonstrate the hostile and abusive environment the roommates had created. That required going through hundreds and hundreds of pages of Facebook messages and text messages.

It was gut wrenching work. We selected the most egregious 130 pages to show our attorney. If he thinks any of it is relevant then we will provide court-admissible screenshots of those sections. Laura and I were working feverishly all weekend to have it ready in time for an upcoming meeting with the defense attorney.

Laura did the brunt of the work, categorizing the messages into 7 categories and highlighting each in a different color. For court we have to use Callan’s legal name, Darren, so that’s why you see it here.

A lot of the text was so upsetting I could barely read it. Over and over again the roommates threatened, cajoled, taunted and played all kinds of passive aggressive and openly aggressive mind games while Callan responded in brief acquiescence and appeasement. At one point Callan even bailed one of the roommates out of jail.

Here are a few examples from September, where the roommates are trying to get Callan on their side against Chirstina after Chirstina had told me about the misdemeanor battery charge. But there were many other incidents earlier in the year that had the same disorienting love-threat content. Don’t worry if you can’t make sense of it. It’s nearly nonsensical and I’m only providing illustrative portions…some of it rambled on and on.

I was particularly surprised by the frequent use of endearments such as “I love you.” There was never any type of romantic relationship between Callan and Heidi or Kylie. The roommates, Heidi and Kylie, are a lesbian couple. Their endearments are apparently supposed to convince Callan of the deep level of friendship they were claiming to offer Callan. The “she” whom Heidi and Kylie are complaining about is Chirstina, Callan’s live-in girlfriend, whom the roommates were bullying.

In this example, the roommates are angry with Chirstina for telling me about Callan’s misdemeanor battery charge.

For an entire year Callan (Serenity), true to their nickname, would invariably respond calmly, either reassuring or appeasing or sometimes admitting feeling confused. Callan was very confused by the roommates’ mixed love-threat messages.

Once Callan and Chirstina had left their house and were safely at their aunt and uncle’s house, I suggested to Callan and Chirstina that they not reply to any of the texts anymore. Just let it roll in. If we needed to communicate with the roommates, I could text them from my own phone. And roll in it did. The roommates quickly started including me in their hateful and misguided messages.

For example, we put a hold on the mail to the house, which enabled us to be able to pick up Callan and Chirstina’s mail at the post office. We would have just put a hold on Callan and Chirstina’s mail only, but that wasn’t an option. We figured the hold was the best option for everybody, because that way everyone could go to the post office to get their own mail. I explained it all carefully to the roommates, so they would know where to go for their mail. But they misunderstood and accused me of stealing their mail and threatened me with police action.

And she goes on in that vein for awhile. I tried to explain and reassure her that we did not have her mail, and she could pick it up at the post office, and that it was safe there. But who knows. She wasn’t comprehending. I assume she eventually figured it out.

After we started working with the attorneys, we were instructed to stop responding to the roommates’ messages altogether. If a message needed conveyed, we could do so through the attorneys.

One time the roommates even called the police and told them I was harassing them. The police believed them and called me and lectured me about things I had never done. Our eviction attorney was unsympathetic and unhelpful, but our defense attorney instructed us in the future to refuse to speak to the police without him present. Just like in the movies! OMG.

As the eviction dragged on, the roommates dropped the lovey-dovey stuff and were simply hostile, threatening and untruthful. Here’s what they sent Callan after they called the police on me. I don’t know how much of it is true. I assume not much. If it were true, then the police officer was way out of line.

I tried to keep our spirits up by sending the kids pictures 4-leaf clovers I found in the backyard. 4-leaf clovers are a little bit of an inside joke in my family. I always seem to find them. It’s a useless superpower. Although there were so many 4-leaf clovers in this backyard, it was not a challenge.

At first I picked them, but then when I realized there were so many, I just took pictures. We needed all the luck we could get.

Here’s one that has tons of leaves, like a little clover flower.

Clearly there was a mutation in the local clover!

There were also cherry tomatoes in the yard. We ate them ripe, and then picked some of the green ones when we saw that there was several days of rain in the forecast. Tomatoes will rot on the vine in the Pacific Northwest in the rain, but are likely to ripen if brought inside.

We missed whatever Halloween plans we had back home, but Laura had brought her skeleton sweats. I joked that I was “Satan Mother” for halloween (taken from one of the texts from the roommates).

Here Laura is baking protein bars, with Biska photo-bombing in the background.

No, Biska is not supposed to be dragging that bag across the floor, lol!

Biska was in the height of puppy mode, and she was running me ragged. I didn’t regret bringing her though – she was a great source of comfort during a very difficult time. I was also extremely grateful that Laura was there to help us too.

One of Laura’s many superpowers is in the supermarket:

So there we sat – with two pending court cases and not much to do except worry and wait. Not that we weren’t busy – we were all doing what we could to keep up with our jobs. Tensions were rising in our little airbnb.

To send Kristina a comment, email turning51bykristina@gmail.com

Laura and I had originally intended to stay in Callan’s house, in the downstairs bedroom. Laura showed up 24 hours before I did. As I was driving the final leg, from Twin Falls to Boise, I was getting increasingly alarming messages from her. The roommates were openly hostile.

I was also getting alarming messages from my friend Alan, who had done some research on the roommates, Heidi and Kylie. They were felons. They were both currently on probation serving intermittent jail time. There were multiple instances of domestic abuse and DWI. They also had thousands of dollars of financial judgments against them.

Heidi and Kylie were insisting that I was not allowed in the house. They were not going to allow it. I wondered who do they think they are, to decide that Callan’s own mother can’t come to the house? It’s Callan’s house! I was very tempted to show up and tell them off. But what good was another altercation going to do? I was far more concerned about their apparent control of Callan.

Callan and Laura have an aunt and uncle in Boise on their dad’s side; my ex-brother-in-law and ex-sister-in-law, Tim and Jen. They are kind people and Callan and Chirstina have stayed with them in the past. I figured Callan, Laura and Chirstina could stay with Uncle Tim and Aunt Jen, and I would get a hotel for myself and Biska, at least for as long as it took to scope out the situation, which seemed increasingly bizarre.

I called Laura and asked them all to head over to Tim and Jen’s house. Laura called Tim and Jen, who were gracious with their welcome…but Callan refused to go. Why? I was still driving toward Boise, still an hour out. Why would Callan refuse to go to Tim and Jen’s house? I called Callan and still…refusal. I didn’t understand. Callan liked their aunt and uncle.

I realized I needed to get Callan alone somehow, and figure out what was going on in their head. I called Callan and said, “Look, I’m going to be arriving at lunch time. I have a new little puppy. Your dog, Kira, is afraid of strange dogs. Let’s meet in the park so the dogs can meet each other on neutral territory.”

Callan agreed. At first Callan was going to walk to the park. The roommates had taken over the use of Callan’s car. But I figured we could rescue the car along with my kid and the dog. I suggested that Callan “borrow” the car for an hour and drive to the park with Kira.

Once Callan was alone with me in the park, I was able to convince Callan to drive to Tim and Jen’s house, with me following behind in the van. I quickly texted Laura – get Chirstina and get some basics like the computers, and head to Jen’s house.

Once at Jen’s house, I put my van’s security club on Callan’s car’s steering wheel so the roommates couldn’t take Callan’s car. We were pretty sure they didn’t know where Tim and Jen lived, but we were in escape mode now.

I was going to get a hotel for myself, but everyone was completely traumatized and we were starting to try to put a plan of action together. So I stayed with the kids in Jen’s house for 4 days. By chance, Tim and Jen had booked a trip to Alaska to visit their kids and grandkids, so we had their house to ourselves.

I am very grateful for my ex-in-laws. Having the house over the long weekend enabled me to find a large airbnb where we could all regroup, starting on Monday. The rental market in Boise is so tight that I wasn’t able to find an airbnb on a moment’s notice, and couldn’t get in until after the weekend. And I really felt like we all just needed to be together – away from the roommates – to get our heads clear.

But I was a nervous wreck because of my puppy! I was terrified Biska would have an accident on my ex-sister-in-law’s beautiful rugs. I kept Biska constrained in the kitchen and I watched her like a hawk! I took her out every hour. It was exhausting. And Biska did NOT appreciate being confined to the kitchen.

Tim and Jen live in a pretty planned neighborhood, but there are no backyards. Instead of backyards, there is a beautifully landscaped common area with pathways and water features. Dogs aren’t allowed to do their business back there, even if you clean it up. Our only option for dog business was a small patch of lawn in the front along the sidewalk. I had to keep her on-leash and go out with her – I couldn’t just shoo her outside. There I was, standing in Aunt Jen’s front yard at all hours day and night, sometimes in my pj’s and a robe, trying to potty train a puppy. OMG. Oh well, at least it was lawn and not snow!

I have no idea what Tim and Jen’s neighbors thought of us, showing up suddenly as soon as Tim and Jen left for Alaska. We were a motley crew with two dogs and a camper van (vans are never good) plus two other vehicles. We unloaded tons and tons of badly packed crap, as if we were moving in (we sort of were).

It was like the proverbial relatives down on their luck showing up on your front porch with a suitcase. Except it was dozens of suitcases plus strange things like baby gates to keep the puppy confined to the kitchen. I’m guessing Jen got several concerned text messages from her neighbors that day!

During that weekend we went back to Callan and Chirstina’s house twice to get additional clothes and possessions. We only went when the roommates were gone in order to avoid a confrontation. It was so hard having to abandon Callan’s house to these crazy, hateful people. Can you imagine what it would be like, to have people like that in your house, and be completely helpless, not knowing what they were going to damage or steal?

The first trip back we discovered they had already stolen the white Greek flokati living room rug I had given Callan a couple of years ago.

A nice camera with fancy lenses was also missing – that we assumed they fenced it for money for a down payment to get into a new apartment. We didn’t know how much more they would steal or what mischief they would get up to before we could legally get them out of the house. We just had to wait.

To send Kristina a comment, email turning51bykristina@gmail.com

Why didn’t I just fly to Boise? I needed to be in Boise asap. But what about my poor cone-headed, recently-spayed puppy? John was headed to Albuquerque and offered to take Biska with him. But when John works in Albuquerque, he’s onsite at work for 10-12 hours each day. Biska wasn’t even house trained yet. She was right in the middle of all of her crucial puppy training and socialization. She would be alone all day every day for weeks, raising herself. She’d end up a wild dog. No, she was coming with me.

We could have caught a flight; she was still small enough to fly in a carry-on crate. But I wanted to bring all of Biska’s bulky puppy training stuff like the bells I attach to the door that she was learning to ring when she needed to go outside. I also wanted my camper van because I wasn’t sure what I was going to encounter in Boise. The plan was to stay at Callan’s house. But we had increasingly aggressive roommates also living at the house. I thought of my van as my safe space I could retreat to if needed.

How was I going to manage a 3-day van trip alone with a 12-week old puppy, still in her cone from her spay surgery, and not yet fully potty trained?

The first decision I made was to take the slow route. I could have driven due north through Nevada but the 2-lane road is dangerous with frequent passing vehicles and there are few services on the way. It’s bleak and remote and didn’t feel safe. And it would only save an hour out of what for me was a 3-day drive. So instead, I decided to stay on major interstates. Northwest to Las Vegas, northeast to Salt Lake, then northwest to Boise.

How was I going to drive for 3 days alone with a puppy? I imagined the 3 P’s of puppyhood: pee, puke & poo everywhere. I put down a blue tarp across the entire floor of the van and started loading our luggage.

What to bring? For myself I packed everything from a swimsuit to a business suit. Exercise clothes. Sweaters, coats, hats and boots. I had a surprising amount of winter gear in Tucson, luckily.

I packed 4 days of food. Because how was I supposed to even eat? I didn’t want to try to manuever our 9-foot tall van through a drive-through. I didn’t know how Biska would do alone in a van if I tried to eat in a restaurant. And I had reserved low-end hotels with hard floors because Biska was still potty training, and none of those hotels offered room service. Plus I don’t like fast-food chains, so it just seemed easier to bring my own food than try to figure out restaurants in unfamiliar towns.

I loaded up on a Tuesday morning and started driving. Turns out Biska does well in the van, but was a challenge on potty stops. She had somehow managed to get it into her head that the only proper place to pee was nice green grass! Uhhh – we live in a desert. The only reason we had grass in Tucson was due to insane record-breaking monsoon rains. The grass unexpectedly volunteered, but I don’t intend to keep it alive otherwise. I was not going to be able to guarantee Biska green-grass stops as we wound northward through Arizona, Nevada, and Utah. “Desert dogs pee on gravel!”, I told her. She just looked at me. Huh?

We struggled the first day, from Tucson to Las Vegas. Not only did Biska require green grass, she was also afraid of traffic and wouldn’t go pee if she could hear cars nearby. That was a problem on interstate rest stops with trucks whooshing by on the freeway. Other dogs were also a problem – they were far too distracting! That made hotel pet areas useless for us. Let’s just say that first night, it was a good thing I had reserved a hotel with hard-surface flooring. And yes, I was traveling with a full roll of paper towels and a large bottle of Nature’s Miracle.

On the morning of the second day we passed through St. George, Utah. I totally fell in love with that cute little town. Or maybe it was just because I took the time to get off the interstate and stop at a little neighborhood park. Grass, blessed grass.

It was a tidy park with a paved bike trail winding by. It was much nicer than freeway rest stop! I wished I had time to walk the trail, but we had miles to go.

The route northeast out of St. George through the Utah mountains is stunningly beautiful. Sculpted red rock everywhere. I really enjoyed it. Sorry, no pictures of that – I was driving.

Next stop, mid-Utah somewhere. Snow. Ugh.

Here’s the dog area! Snow covered. Biska was like, “I’m not peeing in that. Are you nuts? I don’t see you peeing in that. It’s cold! That is not grass. That is really not grass. Not even close, uh-uh, no way.”

At this point I was really very overwhelmed. I was driving north alone with a puppy. We had an attorney retained for the battery charge, but what about the fact that the roommates were still living in Callan’s house? My friend Alan stepped in to help, long-distance from Albuquerque. He did some background research on evictions and found an eviction attorney. He also found some information about Heidi and Kylie that was unsettling. I pressed onward.

To send Kristina a comment, email turning51bykristina@gmail.com

I didn’t immediately understand that I needed to go to Boise. I had hired a defense attorney and was researching eviction attorneys. What exactly else was needed? My friend, Alan, thought otherwise. Alan and I trade coaching – I coach him for free in exchange for him coaching me for free. So he was one of the few people who knew what was going on, and he was adamant that I needed to go out there. But I was having trouble picturing my role. What would I do when I got there? But Alan was literally threatening to go out there himself, so hmmm, I guess I needed to go to Boise.

Then Laura called, and she was also thinking that we needed to go out there. She sounded ready to go. She shouldn’t have to go alone, so I said, ok, I’ll go too. I’ll figure out how to get up there.

Clearly I was going to need to go to Boise for an undetermined length of time. But what about Biska, my new puppy? I was still fostering her. The rescue group wouldn’t allow me to adopt her until she had been spayed. And I had no say whatsoever over when her spay appointment was. I was just told when and where to show up. Non-negotiable. If I missed it, they would repossess my dog.

I couldn’t leave Tucson until Biska was spayed and we had adopted her. But I couldn’t make any travel plans because I didn’t know when her spay was actually going to happen. They kept changing my appointment day! First they said October 4. Then they changed it to October 14. Then they switched it back to October 4 again. Meanwhile, the reports from Boise were more and more alarming. I felt trapped – it was like I was on some sort of puppy probation with an ankle bracelet – I couldn’t go anywhere!

Finally the day came to get her spayed. The rescue group was having her spay done at the absolute cheapest (worst) clinic in town and we were not allowed to pay for our own vet to do it. The cut rate place got the job done, but the stitch job was the messiest I’ve ever seen. A couple of days after surgery the top layer started to separate and bleed, and we had to go back to ensure that stitches underneath weren’t at risk of popping out.

The whole thing was very worrying, and meanwhile I was trying to figure out how to get out of town.

At least we were finally be able to officially adopt her, and we shouldn’t have to deal with the rescue agency ever again. Ever again!

She was cute in her cone.

You can see that Tucson was still getting monsoon rains in early October.

We were supposed to be keeping her calm, but that was stupidly impossible. She had all her puppy energy!

She was spayed, she was ours, and it looked like her stitches were holding. And I needed to be in Boise. As soon as I was pretty sure she was safe to travel, I piled her, cone and all, into the van with tons of luggage for any contingency, and the two of us started our slow drive to Boise.

To send Kristina a comment, email turning51bykristina@gmail.com

I left off last post talking about a phone conversation I had with Chirstina, where she was describing a strange incident involving the roommates hiding the kitchen chairs in the garage as “punishment” for her failing to push the chairs in when she left the room. That and a variety of other incidents made it clear that the roommates were systematically controlling, manipulating and bullying Callan and Chirstina, who were avoiding conflict and trying to appease the roommates. Then Chirstina got Callan’s permission to tell me everything, and she let the bomb drop.

Callan has a misdemeanor battery charge for allegedly pushing Kylie, one of the roommates. WHAT?!? I nearly lost my shit. My kid? Has a battery charge?

How is that even possible? Callan has been so unbelievably patient with these freeloading, verbally abusive, messed up crazy roommates. And Callan has a battery charge? I’m picturing my child going to jail. Not only that, but the hearing was very soon and they hadn’t hired an attorney because of the expense.

Apparently one of the roommates, Kylie, had been in Callan’s doorway, in Callan’s face screaming, and Callan had been repeatedly asking Kylie to back off. Callan kept explaining that they didn’t want to talk right now and just needed some space and to please just leave them alone. Callan finally told Kylie to “Fuck off and leave me alone, just leave me alone.” Callan then put their hands in the air, palms out, in a defensive gesture, apparently making slight contact with Kylie’s shoulder. Kylie then did an exaggerated prat fall against the wall and yelled to Heidi, “He laid hands on me! Call the police!”

Laid hands on? Callan thought that was a strange choice of words. Is it a legal term? Or intended to sound like one? Eventually we came to realize that this was the break Heidi and Kylie had been waiting for; their means to keep Callan under their control.

The police came out, and unfortunately wrote it up. But what can they do? Domestic violence is real and serious. Too often the police do nothing even when the victim is badly hurt. Due to recent political pressure, or for whatever reason, the policeman felt like he had to write it up.

Call me a biased mom, and I won’t deny that. But here is what the policeman wrote in his report:

“I observed a red mark on Kylie’s left shoulder, however, it was apparent that most of the red mark was caused by her rubbing her own shoulder to sooth it. While interviewing Kylie she was constantly touching and rubbing on her shoulder causing more redness to appear.”

What a fraud. Did the roommates deliberately entrap and frame Callan? Or did they simply recognize an opportunity when it came? They didn’t even do a particularly sophisticated job, but it was good enough for the State of Idaho.

From this moment out, Heidi and Kylie used the charge as blackmail, dangling the carrot and stick of how they would “testify” at the hearing. They convinced Callan that they had the power to decide whether the charges would be dropped or not. They threatened Callan with jail and job loss. Callan was paralyzed in full appeasement mode.

I had to find an attorney, and I had to find one fast.

Oh and get this. You want to know what Kylie was screaming at Callan for? Callan and Chirstina had invited a couple of dinner guests over without Heidi and Kylie’s permission. These are roommates who aren’t paying rent and had repeatedly been asked to leave, screaming because the home owner had invited over a couple of dinner guests.

At first I thought that I should get one attorney who could help us with both the battery charge and getting the roommates evicted. After all, those issues were entwined. But it turns out we needed a criminal defense attorney for the misdemeanor battery charge, while an eviction is a civil suit. These two types of attorneys aren’t remotely similar. Luckily I have a friend who is an attorney (in the field of medicine), and she was able to explain to me that good attorneys are very specialized, so I would need two different ones.

I got out my computer and started researching and calling attorneys. Chirstina did the same. Soon we had settled on a defense attorney. I paid the retainer (ouch that was expensive) and got that ball rolling.

Step two, did I need to actually go to Boise?

To send Kristina a comment, email turning51bykristina@gmail.com

About half of you are going “Puppy ❤️ Puppy ❤️ Puppy ❤️” and the other half of you are going, “What the heck is going on in Boise?!? Why do you keep darkly hinting about having to suddenly go to Boise? Should we be worried? Would you stop posting dog pictures and just let us know what’s going down out there?“

As most of you know, the youngest of my two kids came out as non-binary a year ago, goes by “they/them” pronouns, uses the first name “Callan” for general and professional use and the nickname “Serenity” for close friends and family. Callan and Callan’s girlfriend, Chirstina, have been living in Callan’s 3-bed, 3-bath house with two roommates; a lesbian couple named Heidi & Kylie. Callan owns the house.

For nearly a year I had been hearing rumors that Heidi and Kylie were drama-prone drunks and were behind on their rent payments. When I visited in July I didn’t actually get a chance to meet the roommates, but I heard that they were in the process of moving out. Chirstina and Callan had even interviewed a potential new roommate.

That was in July. After that, nothing much seemed to change. At first, Callan had started to become more insistent about trying to collect the owed rent. But more recently, it seemed as if Callan wasn’t worried about the rent anymore. Everything was fine. I questioned Callan occasionally, but I didn’t want to be an overly involved mom. It is Callan’s house after all. Callan kept telling me that yes, the roommates were behind on their rent, but don’t worry, everything was ok.

Toward the end of September I was talking on the phone with Chirstina and she was quite stressed out. She was telling me a strange story about how the roommates put the kitchen bar stools in the garage as a “punishment” to teach Chirstina a lesson because she kept failing to push the chairs in under the counter overhang when she was done using them.

On one hand, this seemed like a very minor spat. On the other hand, it was ringing alarm bells. It was just strange. Who does that? They put the chairs in the garage to teach her a lesson? Wha?!? Why were these roommates harassing Callan’s girlfriend in such a petty and weird way, when they weren’t even caught up on their rent payments?

Finally Chirstina turns to Callan, who was nearby, and asked permission to tell me the story. To tell me what was actually going on.

It came out in a jumble but I was able to piece together that the roommates were controlling Callan and Chirstina by screaming at them, bullying them, taunting them, and, believe it or not, blackmailing them. Callan and Chirstina, who are by personality natural peacemakers, were simply appeasing their roommates, hoping to not set them off. Pretty soon the roommates were running the household like tyrants and refusing to “let” Callan and Chirstina tell me or anyone else what was going on. Part of the mind-games the roommates used were lots of lots of “I love you’s” and other supportive sounding statements.

This kind of manipulation can easily happen to someone on the autism spectrum. Those on the spectrum often struggle with social situations and can be very conflict avoidant due to lack of negotiation skills.

Controlling and manipulative relationships can happen to anyone. Over time people can find themselves in a situation that involves a combination of apparent love along with abuse. The controllers do what they can to isolate those being controlled. Those being controlled can lose their self-esteem and lose the belief that they can safely get out of the situation. They become increasingly isolated and increasingly desperate to appease their abusers and keep the situation a secret for their own safety. It can feel safer to stay in the relationship and appease the abuser than to try to get out of the relationship.

In our society we don’t tend to clearly recognize or understand this type of abusive relationship dynamic, and when we do, we tend to assume it only happens within a romantic relationship. But it can happen among friends, family, roommates, or in the workplace.

Heidi and Kylie were controlling Callan and Chirstina with their manipulative drama tactics. Callan and Chirstina would repeatedly back down and capitulate in order to avoid drama.

In this way, Heidi and Kylie had avoided paying rent for many months. They made promise after promise, continually reassuring Callan, who was not willing to have the confrontation necessary to literally kick these deadbeats out.

And realistically, how does one make someone leave one’s own house? I can’t imagine refusing to leave if someone asked me to leave their house. Can you imagine the gall? To continue to live in someone’s house with them against their will? Who would do that? These roommates, apparently.

The roommates had also taken over Callan’s car. Callan could borrow it back occasionally, if and when the roommates didn’t need it. The roommates had also pretty much taken over the house. Callan and Chirstina weren’t allowed to use the kitchen when the roommates wanted it or to even be in the dining room or living room when the roommates wanted the kitchen.

Then things had gotten even worse. What started out as manipulative ended up as blackmail. More on that next post.

To send Kristina a comment, email turning51bykristina@gmail.com