Still sometimes sad for no reason

John and I had a very nice weekend (hopefully I’ll have a chance to post about our exploits later). But now I’m sad again. I’ve been having an unusual amount of trouble with low-level depression, nothing serious, just sadness here and there for no apparent reason. It started in January and went through most of February. Then I had a friend visit at the end of February, which helped a lot. Also the weather has been improving, which helps a lot too.

It’s strange though, because there’s nothing wrong that I’m aware of. Like I mentioned, we had a good weekend. We got outside and had fun and got lots of good exercise. Then this morning I volunteered at the botanical garden, which I enjoyed. Then I had a doctor appointment, and although those are never fun, it went fine. I already knew my results were good.

When my doctor walked in, I was surprised to see him in a suit and tie. I commented that he was dressed up, but he didn’t say much about it. It seemed like there was a weight or worry or sadness about him. I actually wondered if he had a funeral today. Then when I was talked to John about it later, John suggested he had a court date, which would be terrible – doctors do get sued and occasionally they deserve it, but mostly they don’t. This doctor is very good, very thoughtful and knowledgeable, and conscientious. And a great listener, which is so hard to find.

I think it would be very hard to be an oncologist. Often when people have cancer, they die. Doctors and their patients have to make difficult decisions about treatment paths and it’s all a guessing game and often there’s very little that can be done. I don’t even know what you’d sue an oncologist for. Basically, they order scans and give chemo if you need it. And they’re not even the ones interpreting the scans. So if something was missed, it wouldn’t have been him who missed it.

Anyway, I imagined he was sad, and now I feel sad. Picking up other people’s emotions and embodying them myself has always been a thing of mine (I guess that’s called empathy), but it can be rough when the people around me are suffering. I suffer right along with them. I’ve gotten so sensitive that I can’t even read novels, even though I know they’re fiction. I suffer too much from caring about the difficulties the characters are going through. My sensitivity is also interfering with how many life coaching clients I feel like I can carry. I’m hardly coaching at all anymore.

I’m actually taking a class in a couple of weeks for healthcare providers, to help with burnout. It’s about compassion, which apparently is not the same thing as empathy. I’m really hoping it helps me be emotionally stronger.

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