Continuing the search for the right doctor

Remember how I thought I had found a new primary care doctor? Well, that one didn’t work out! Turns out he’s a poor listener and gets on a roll with mansplaining and…ugh. Totally annoying. I’m grateful I figured it out fairly quickly, but wish I had figured it out before I paid him several hundred dollars for nothing! I didn’t even manage to get my prescriptions renewed, because we were waiting on lab results first.

In the end it all worked out – I found a nice nurse practitioner at Walgreens and got my prescriptions renewed there. Maybe I’ll just keep going to her! It seems weird to go to Walgreens for my primary care provider. But she was very patient and kind. Clear, direct, respectful, listened carefully – she was great!

Like many people, I don’t like having medical care done and it can be scary and upsetting. I’ve decided it’s important for me to take the time to find health care providers that I’m really comfortable with because I feel very vulnerable in the medical system. It’s hard enough for me to deal with certain types of people in happy circumstances. It’s impossible when I’m in pain and scared.

I’m really grateful I already have a good oncologist here in Tucson. I’ve been seeing him since the end of 2020 and he’s always been very respectful, thoughtful, and helpful. Listening skills make such a difference!

And here’s the thing: it would have been so easy to just blame myself for being a problem. Because it sort of is my fault. I’m difficult. I’m picky. These things are true. But what is also true is – it’s going to be a lot better for me (and my doctor) if I take the time to find someone who is easy for me to deal with. Because if I’m just blaming myself, why would I even bother trying to find another doctor? A new doctor wouldn’t make any difference if it’s all my fault. If I took all the blame on myself, then I would just tell myself that I need to try super hard to be nicer. And then exactly when things got difficult – I would fail.

Wouldn’t it be a lot better to have a doctor who is easy for me to get along with, and who also finds me to be easy to deal with too? Yes, it would! And it’s worth the trouble to find that doctor. This is not an area where self-blame and stoicism are useful!

This recent new doctor I tried turned out to be terrible for me. But he’s probably wonderful for some other people. Likewise he probably thought I was terrible, and for him, I was. But I have excellent relationships with other medical professionals. So there’s no point me trying to point fingers and figure out who is to blame. The point is for me to find someone I can work with, even when (and especially when) I feel stressed or vulnerable.

For example, I love the doctor who does my colonoscopies. He’s the one who found my cancer, and he’s the one who broke the news to me. There is no more vulnerable time in the world then when a near-stranger in a white coat tells you that you have cancer. I am grateful to this day for that doctor and the way he broke the news to me.

And yet, his “bedside manner” would not have worked for everyone. He’s a man of few words. And those few words were quite blunt. He just came right out and said, “You have cancer.” Some people don’t want to hear it like that. They want expressions of care and sympathy and hope and bla, bla, bla. Yet for me, there was something about his quiet manner that made me feel completely cared for. I felt his compassion, sadness, concern, respect…all of that he somehow quietly but convincingly portrayed.

Whereas John liked our friendly doctor in Boston. Chatting about vacationing in Florida helped put John at ease during a very stressful moment in our lives. But I was like, can we just talk about my cancer now? I don’t care about Florida. Can somebody please tell me how bad my recovery is going to be?

In the end, I was not remotely prepared for how bad the post-surgical recovery was going to be. I was completely blindsided. I understand that they don’t want to scare you off, but I like to have some idea what I’m getting into, because it helps me be mentally prepared.

I have trouble imagining having to ever go through something like my cancer treatment again. It was so awful. But the reality is, we’re going to get old, and most of us have miserable hospital experiences in our future. And the last thing we need is an irritating doctor when that happens!

To send Kristina a comment, email turning51bykristina@gmail.com.

Kristina’s Website: Life Coaching for Adults with Autism