Exhaustion and a visit with the defense attorney – Post 7 of the Boise Roommate Saga

Although the eviction process was taking up most of our attention, more worrisome is the misdemeanor battery charge. Although not a felony, the charge could result in fines, probation or even a small amount of jail time.

After spending days combing through thousands of messages between Callan and the roommates, Laura and I had compiled 150 pages of the most egregious examples of roommate misconduct. We were exhausted but ready. It was time to talk with our attorney.

Shortly before leaving for our appointment, I took Callan aside to offer a few pointers. I always believe in preparing ahead of time for meetings. But it’s always risky whenever a parent tries to offer advice. I decided to try to coach Callan briefly, because Callan wouldn’t instinctively know what’s important to do or say during the meeting with the attorney.

I wanted to suggest that Callan not emphasize their autism because that isn’t an excuse under the law. I wanted Callan to emphasize the self-defense aspect of the situation instead, because that is legally more important. Regardless of how the law ought to be written, that is how the law is written.

I also suggested that Callan to wear their device, called a Speakeasy, that fits in the ear and looks like a hearing aid, which decreases Callan’s stuttering. It makes it easier to understand Callan when Callan wears it.

Callan disagreed on both accounts. Callan had been internalizing unhelpful attitudes from the roommates. The roommates are ableists* who look down on people with disabilities. They managed to convince Callan that any kind of aid, or accommodation, was something to be ashamed of. So Callan had stopped using the Speakeasy device.

I attempted to convince Callan that it wasn’t anything to be ashamed of, and compared it to other aids, like smart phones. But Callan wasn’t buying my arguments because the whole thing sounded to Callan like masking.

Masking is a term used for when people with disabilities or chronic pain do what they can to hide their disability. The problem with masking is that it takes an enormous amount of effort and it is for the sake of the non-disabled majority. The belief is that the non-disabled majority should make more of an effort to accommodate those with disabilities rather than have disabled people bear the responsibility to somehow act like they aren’t disabled.

Callan has in the past been frustrated with me for how hard I’ve pushed them to learn to fit in and learn the social skills that often don’t come naturally to people on the autism spectrum. Of course I did that in hopes that those skills would enable Callan to have more successful, easier, better life. But operating in a non-autistic world as an autistic person is never easy.

Unfortunately I triggered some of Callan’s sensitivities (especially about masking the autism traits) and Callan started arguing with me. Callan said some hurtful things that sounded a lot like some of the lies the roommates have been feeding them. Then I lost it and started arguing back – those lies the roommates fed Callan aren’t true! I couldn’t stand to hear their biases coming out of Callan’s mouth.

Although we were tired, stressed and crammed together for an unknown length of time in an airbnb, we had all been getting along perfectly. But we were under an enormous amount of stress. Our ridiculously expensive airbnb was adequate but depressing. It wasn’t particularly clean, had an off odor, and the kitchen was poorly equipped. We were packed in there together under difficult circumstances and as much as we cared about each other, we’d all rather be home. 

There we were arguing, and meanwhile it was time to go see the attorney. We dashed out the door – all dressed up to meet the expensive attorney, with Callan silently fuming, me in tears, and we were running late. We piled into the car; Chirstina drove and Laura navigated from the backseat. Laura and Chirstina tried to calm Callan down (breathe in, count to 5, breathe…) because Callan can sometimes shut down when stressed. I just sat in the backseat crying and feeling sorry for myself. I felt rather pathetic and in over my head.

At one point Laura asked me if I wanted some feedback and told me I sounded “petty”. I felt the irony. “Oh, so now I have to mask how I’m feeling? Serenity doesn’t have to mask but I do?” Was I being childish? Yes. But all this stuff with attorneys felt well beyond my skill level. I wondered if I should never have gone to Boise.

Thank goodness for Laura & Chirstina! With their help we all pulled it together and calmly walked into the attorney’s office, looking and acting reasonably professional, and only 5 minutes late. We then had a productive meeting. Added bonus of covid masks – it covered up my red nose!

The attorney says that Callan’s alleged push, if it even happened at all, may actually have been lawful (self defense) because Kylie was in Callan’s face screaming in Callan’s doorway, and Callan was repeatedly asking her to back off. The attorney was pleased that Chirstina heard the whole thing and can attest to that. But it would take a trial in order for Callan to be acquitted.

The other option is the attorney can negotiate with the prosecution to reduce charges – possibly to “disturbing the peace” and a fine or something. Our attorney wants to be able to threaten to take it to trial (which the prosecution wouldn’t want to do because it’s a lot of work and we would probably win). The attorney wants to use the threat of a trial as a trump card while negotiating with the prosecution. This makes me nervous – both sides playing chicken.

I don’t want to pay for a trial over something this stupid. But I guess we will do whatever we have to do. A trial would drag on to sometime this spring – they are that far behind in trials because of covid. Meanwhile, the hearing was set for mid-November.

*Ableism is the discrimination of and social prejudice against people with disabilities based on the belief that typical abilities are superior. At its heart, ableism is rooted in the assumption that disabled people require ‘fixing’ and defines people by their disability.

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