The Backstory – Post 1 of the Boise Roommate Saga

About half of you are going “Puppy ❤️ Puppy ❤️ Puppy ❤️” and the other half of you are going, “What the heck is going on in Boise?!? Why do you keep darkly hinting about having to suddenly go to Boise? Should we be worried? Would you stop posting dog pictures and just let us know what’s going down out there?“

As most of you know, the youngest of my two kids came out as non-binary a year ago, goes by “they/them” pronouns, uses the first name “Callan” for general and professional use and the nickname “Serenity” for close friends and family. Callan and Callan’s girlfriend, Chirstina, have been living in Callan’s 3-bed, 3-bath house with two roommates; a lesbian couple named Heidi & Kylie. Callan owns the house.

For nearly a year I had been hearing rumors that Heidi and Kylie were drama-prone drunks and were behind on their rent payments. When I visited in July I didn’t actually get a chance to meet the roommates, but I heard that they were in the process of moving out. Chirstina and Callan had even interviewed a potential new roommate.

That was in July. After that, nothing much seemed to change. At first, Callan had started to become more insistent about trying to collect the owed rent. But more recently, it seemed as if Callan wasn’t worried about the rent anymore. Everything was fine. I questioned Callan occasionally, but I didn’t want to be an overly involved mom. It is Callan’s house after all. Callan kept telling me that yes, the roommates were behind on their rent, but don’t worry, everything was ok.

Toward the end of September I was talking on the phone with Chirstina and she was quite stressed out. She was telling me a strange story about how the roommates put the kitchen bar stools in the garage as a “punishment” to teach Chirstina a lesson because she kept failing to push the chairs in under the counter overhang when she was done using them.

On one hand, this seemed like a very minor spat. On the other hand, it was ringing alarm bells. It was just strange. Who does that? They put the chairs in the garage to teach her a lesson? Wha?!? Why were these roommates harassing Callan’s girlfriend in such a petty and weird way, when they weren’t even caught up on their rent payments?

Finally Chirstina turns to Callan, who was nearby, and asked permission to tell me the story. To tell me what was actually going on.

It came out in a jumble but I was able to piece together that the roommates were controlling Callan and Chirstina by screaming at them, bullying them, taunting them, and, believe it or not, blackmailing them. Callan and Chirstina, who are by personality natural peacemakers, were simply appeasing their roommates, hoping to not set them off. Pretty soon the roommates were running the household like tyrants and refusing to “let” Callan and Chirstina tell me or anyone else what was going on. Part of the mind-games the roommates used were lots of lots of “I love you’s” and other supportive sounding statements.

This kind of manipulation can easily happen to someone on the autism spectrum. Those on the spectrum often struggle with social situations and can be very conflict avoidant due to lack of negotiation skills.

Controlling and manipulative relationships can happen to anyone. Over time people can find themselves in a situation that involves a combination of apparent love along with abuse. The controllers do what they can to isolate those being controlled. Those being controlled can lose their self-esteem and lose the belief that they can safely get out of the situation. They become increasingly isolated and increasingly desperate to appease their abusers and keep the situation a secret for their own safety. It can feel safer to stay in the relationship and appease the abuser than to try to get out of the relationship.

In our society we don’t tend to clearly recognize or understand this type of abusive relationship dynamic, and when we do, we tend to assume it only happens within a romantic relationship. But it can happen among friends, family, roommates, or in the workplace.

Heidi and Kylie were controlling Callan and Chirstina with their manipulative drama tactics. Callan and Chirstina would repeatedly back down and capitulate in order to avoid drama.

In this way, Heidi and Kylie had avoided paying rent for many months. They made promise after promise, continually reassuring Callan, who was not willing to have the confrontation necessary to literally kick these deadbeats out.

And realistically, how does one make someone leave one’s own house? I can’t imagine refusing to leave if someone asked me to leave their house. Can you imagine the gall? To continue to live in someone’s house with them against their will? Who would do that? These roommates, apparently.

The roommates had also taken over Callan’s car. Callan could borrow it back occasionally, if and when the roommates didn’t need it. The roommates had also pretty much taken over the house. Callan and Chirstina weren’t allowed to use the kitchen when the roommates wanted it or to even be in the dining room or living room when the roommates wanted the kitchen.

Then things had gotten even worse. What started out as manipulative ended up as blackmail. More on that next post.

To send Kristina a comment, email turning51bykristina@gmail.com