The good days and the bad days

I’m in middle of a break week, between rounds of chemo. Unfortunately the side effects of chemo persist for quite awhile, so it’s not like I magically feel better the moment I quit taking the pills. However, I have had good days, or good parts-of-days. And I’ve had some bad days too.

The bad days include stomach issues. My stomach cycles through all the various non-fun things you don’t want your stomach to be doing. Every day is a new day, with new different kinds of stomach problems, yay! Bad days also include migraines, tooth & jaw pain, hand and foot pain, rashes, blotches, eczema and a variety of other more minor issues.

I’m also generally very tired and don’t sleep well at night. I’m having hot flashes at night, and I wonder if I’m actually going into menopause? It’s time, I’m that age. So yeah. World pandemic, cancer, migraines, menopause, let’s just get it all over with at once! On bad days I also have bad moods. Anxiety, depression, irritability. There are times when I just sit in bed, crying. On bad days I think I’m going to die (I’m not really, at least I don’t plan to anytime soon).

There are a lot of good days too. On good days, John and I walk around the neighborhood and admire the plants in everyone’s yards. On good days I sit outside in the shade and read a good book. On good days I answer emails from my friends. By the way, some of you are very good at writing those “I’m just checking in to see how you’re doing” emails. I appreciate it! It’s a gift. It’s a skill. It’s something I’m not very good at. It takes time and effort. Thank you!

On good days I spend a little time cleaning the house, and maybe cook something better than average for dinner. (Like cookies, lol!) John and I are really strictly isolating ourselves and are not bringing in groceries or take-out or delivery at this time. We are eventually going to have to get another grocery delivery. I am sick of frozen vegetables and really want a good salad. Mmmmm…butter lettuce with chilled shrimp in a lemon dill dressing. And I’d like a croissant with that, please. Other days I dream of mixed greens with all the Greek toppings you can imagine. I’m dreaming about food. I mean, literally.

It was not all that long ago that John and I happened to have an off-hand conversation about how we never dream about food. John usually dreams about being late to catch his plane and his presentation isn’t ready. I dream about falling-down houses with gaps in the walls and missing fence boards and my dogs are going to get loose. Neither of us ever used to dream about food. I am now dreaming about food.

On good days I do a little stretching to music and look forward to the day when I can work out again. On good days I amuse myself with organizing the pictures and music on my computer. I know that sounds super boring. Imagine it being similar to a playing a puzzle or playing solitaire. I’m really not up for much mentally right now. I basically can’t handle the news, or most TV shows. Anything that most people consider entertaining is going to be too much for me. But I enjoy my pictures and my music collection – of about 10,000 songs and over 40,000 pictures. It should keep me busy for awhile!

Before cancer I used to read publications like the Atlantic and the Economist. I now read short, lightweight novels set in places like southern France or remote Greek islands, with feel-good, soap-opera plots. I am just not the me I used to be. Although I did recently read a heavy and thought-provoking book about what it’s like to be nonbinary. Maybe I’ll post more about that soon, it was interesting.

John and I are planting things in the yard. We have sprouts coming up and flowers blooming.

You’re like, “Uh, dirt and weeds?” No, seriously, those are BABY FLOWERS!

I’m even coaching a little bit. I have a few good clients who know my situation and are flexible if I have to reschedule without much warning. It’s good to be able to still do something useful, even though I’m stuck at home. That’s the advantage of a part-time, home-based business!

I took a risk and booked a vacation rental with a private pool in Tucson for the end of August. Remember how much I loved the pool last year? It’s so weird to think back and realize that I had cancer then, but I didn’t know it. The house I rented this year is smaller, more affordable, and closer to the bike trails. It looks nice in the pictures in the internet ad.

Note that the only two pictures I bothered to post are of the pool, lol. But don’t worry, the pool comes with a pet-friendly house. I’m really hoping that the chemo, cancer, covid, and everything will line up right so we can go.