My keto rant

I think I might be getting a migraine today, and for the first time in my entire life, I almost hope I do. Because this keto diet sucks big time. When I first contemplated it, I cried for 2 days just getting the nerve up to even try it. I figured either it would help with my migraines, in which case I’d have to be on it for the rest of my life, or it wouldn’t help, in which case I could add it to the long litany of things I’ve tried that haven’t worked. Neither is a good outcome, although I was sort of hoping for the latter.

So far I’m managing to maintain my weight (my goal is to maintain my existing weight, or at least not drop more than 5 pounds). But I’m getting to the point where I don’t always feel like eating, even when I’m hungry. I’m just so sick of vegetables and fats.

It doesn’t matter how many fancy recipes I try – I just don’t want to look at another spinach leaf or avocado again for the rest of my life. And bacon has become borderline revolting.

I’m trying to eat as large of a variety as possible to keep the diet palatable. The other day I went out for pho (without the noodles), which I usually love. I don’t know if it was this restaurant, or the particular pho I ordered, or my body in rebellion, but I just didn’t want to eat it. It tasted like celery. I ate it anyway, because the only thing I had back at the office was spinach salad and I eat enormous quantities of spinach salad daily. So I ate my celery pho, got back to my office, and was still hungry. I dug out my lunch bag, looked at my spinach salad and tried hard not to cry. Big goal of mine – do not cry at work.

So far I’ve stuck to the diet and stayed in ketosis. I started the diet on Friday, July 27. The first time I tested was the following Thursday, August 2. At that point, I was nearly off the chart.

My friend, who is mentoring me through this, said I was probably dehydrated.

Subsequent tests have been a little more reasonable.

There are online support groups, and beautiful Instagram photos of food for encouragement, but they mostly make me grumpy. First of all, it’s mostly fancy avocado and after 2 weeks of avocados, I don’t want any more ways of eating them. Or it’s proteins, and I’m already eating too much protein. It’s a real struggle to eat enough fat without eating too much protein.

Plus a lot of people who are doing this diet for weight loss don’t do a very thorough job of it, or don’t understand what they’re doing. For example, alcohol converts immediately to sugar, guys. Sugar is a no-no if you want to stay in keto. And fruit? No. You can’t eat fruit on the keto diet! John sent me this ad on his phone, this is ridiculous.

What you’re staring at there is a whole bunch of colored sugar. How is this an ad for keto? You can’t eat sugar on keto!

Then there’s a lot of products that claim to be sugar free IN BIG LETTERS, but they have lots of carbs – how? If you read the fine print, it turns out they contain sugar alcohols. Hello?

And for all those who think they can gorge on tree nuts – uh no. Have you even looked at the carbohydrates (minus dietary fiber) in most tree nuts? You can eat maybe 3 nuts.

The gorgeous photos of fancy avocados are also annoying because who has the time? Keto means frequent trips to the grocery store – fresh greens don’t last as long as bags of chips. And it means cooking everything from scratch.

Laura was describing over-the-top Instagram keto photos and I said, “I’m currently eating coconut flakes out of the bag with a spoon. I could Instagram that.”

My friend was jokingly saying she was going to start an Instagram account entitled, “real life keto”. I hope she does. Here’s a couple of my uninspiring recent meals I could post to that feed:

And that’s not the worst of it. Dinners are ok. I think the hardest part is there’s nothing to snack on. The only thing I’m not sick of yet is my seaweed snacks. I limit myself to one pack a day though, or I’ll soon be sick of them too.

So is it working?!?

I started July 27. I tested definitely in keto on my first test on Aug 2. I had a migraine on Aug. 3 & 4. I was ready to quit, because I definitely was in ketosis and definitely had a 2-day migraine.

My friend said it was too early to be sure it didn’t work and try it for a month. I usually have a migraine for a few days every 10-14 days. It’s only been just over a week since the last one, so I don’t know yet if it’s going to help.

I can tell you though, if I have a migraine today – or within the next two weeks (which would be August 27, which just happens to be my birthday), I’m having a giant piece of cake! And French bread. And an apple fritter. And jam on toast. And a sopapilla with honey. And I’m going to sit on my coach in the evening and eat pretzels and popcorn. (WITH NO BUTTER!)