It’s not been easy

Once again it has not been an easy week. Last time I posted, early on Wednesday morning, I was hanging around at home waiting for my migraine medication to kick in so I could go to work. Usually the meds work fine and I can continue with my day (not feeling great, but able to get my work done at least).

On Wednesday morning I was having a little bit of trouble wrestling control of the migraine, and by the time I figured I had it handled, I ended up going in to work a little late. But then a few hours later it just got away from me.

It’s only a few times a year that I completely lose control of a migraine, but it’s just hell when it happens. The nausea hit suddenly at 1:00 and I realized I had to get home immediately. This is why it’s so important that I not have a commute. By chance, I-25 south was closed due to a bad wreck that same afternoon. But my Santa Fe townhome is only 15 minutes away, no freeway required, so I was able to get home in time.

I gave John a call so he knew what was going on. He called every couple hours for the rest of the day to make sure I could still answer the phone. And it was all I could do to answer the phone. But if I didn’t answer, he would have driven up to Santa Fe, and there’s no point for that. I don’t need anything when I have a migraine, I just need to be in a safe place to wait it out.

When it gets really bad I can’t talk right – my speech gets vague and disoriented and slurred. I can hardly move and stumble around with poor motor control. And I don’t see well. And the misery I can’t even describe. It’s severe pain and nausea, but it’s more than that. It feels like you’re dying, and you definitely wish you could die (don’t worry, I’m never suicidal, it’s not like that). It’s just a feat of endurance that’s the hardest thing I do in life. Except I don’t actually do anything. I just lay there, half out of my mind, and wait for it to be over. They realize nowadays that a migraine is a type of seizure, a low, slow seizure. And there’s certainly stuff going on in the brain that isn’t explained by just pain and nausea. It peaked about 8 PM, and by about 10:30 I was mostly ok.

The next couple of days I just had a regular headache, you know, the type people take aspirin for. And I sort of felt like I had been hit by a truck. Totally wiped. But I went to work and got some stuff done.

My department actually had a retreat in a local park on Thursday. My headache was pretty bad, but tolerable. If I had been feeling better, I would have done a better job of networking with the other teams. But mostly I just sat with Roz. That’s my new coworker I think I’ve mentioned, who is Laura’s age and reminds me a lot of Laura. And of myself at that age.

Her first name doesn’t fit her. Her last name is beautiful, (which I won’t mention here in a public blog), although it’s not her original last name (long story). But her first name should be something more dignified. Although she is also tough. And scrappy 🙂

Roz knows a lot about chronic health issues. It was nice to have someone who just understands and isn’t afraid of it. Most people who don’t really understand, can’t be with it in a courageous way. They just want me to be better. Which is a type of caring, but it puts pressure on me to be better, when it’s not actually in my control. It sets me up to fail.