Someone please shut the robot up

I’ve been slumming it in Santa Fe with no internet, just hot spotting when I need it. Then we decided we ought to put home security systems in both houses, because there’s often no one at the house in Placitas, and I’m up here alone in Santa Fe. So this weekend, John came up and helped me install internet and a security system. I love the new internet, but the security system – not so much.

What I originally wanted was just a camera at my front door so I could see what’s going on out there without opening the door. But we ended up with some sensors for the doors and windows, and some sort of Alexa type thing that talks at me. She has a freaky sci-fi voice that I guess is supposed to be soothing or sexy or something and it’s awful.

I’ve turned it off for now, until we can figure out how to make it behave. The sci-fi lady talks too much. At first I thought she was just talking at me when I came home. It’s not a very welcome greeting either. She starts out – “Warning.” Everything she says, starts out, “Warning.” Then she goes to explain that the system isn’t set up with dispatch (yes, we know, we didn’t want to sign up for that service). Then she goes on to tell me that the keypad isn’t working, even though it appears to be working. She says this every time I come in the door.

Then last night she said something in middle of the night. I’m not sure what she said, because I was asleep, but she woke me up and I know she said something.
Then just now, around 9:30 PM, she said, “Warning” (of course) and then went on to explain that the bracket that holds the smoke detector in the hall is loose. But that’s not how she said it. She said, “Warning” and then identified the problem area as the hallway, so I got worried and stood up and started looking around, quite concerned that she’s detected an intruder in my hallway. And only then did I realize she was talking about brackets.
The system also has a camera for indoors that John and I can remotely access from our cell phones. We can turn it on and look and see what’s going on in the house when we’re away. Which sounds kind of cool. Until we realized we could spy on each other with it, which is just kind of freaky. He can log in and turn it on without me knowing, and listen to me mutter to myself and argue with a robot while I clean the kitchen.
Now the system is off, and hopefully that means the sci-fi robot lady can’t talk anymore. Sh was definitely making me nervous. Far more nervous than I was before I had a security system.