Tuesday – tears!

My new boss, Carina, is leaving the agency for a new job! Now she’ll be working in Albuquerque! This is definitely a good move for her. She’s been commuting all the way from the south side of Albuquerque, and she has a new baby. I felt bad for her when I first heard how far her commute was. I’m glad she doesn’t have to do that commute anymore.

Luckily it was just the two of us in her office when she told me she was leaving, because I literally burst into tears.😢 😢 😢 I should have been smiling and congratulating her. And I tried to congratulate her – through the tears. I truly am happy for her – I’m just so scared about not knowing who my boss is going to be.

She must have been surprised I was so upset about her leaving, because I hardly know her. But she’s the sort of person that everyone likes. She’s a big reason why I’ve felt so confident about having accepted this job.

So now, who knows what’s going to happen. It could turn out fine. But it has not always been fine for me, and I’m all too aware of how miserable it can get. I had a couple of horrible experiences with really bigoted male bosses when I was quite young.

And then when John and I first moved to California in 2012, my main goal for the first several months was, “Don’t cry at work.” It wasn’t just the boss thing. Moral is poor in some sections of Sandia, and particularly poor at Sandia in California, and particularly poor among “support staff” – like I was, as an internal regulator. (It’s never fun to have to implement internal regulatory compliance – it’s a very thankless job.)

Another big problem at Sandia in California was the huge resentment and bitterness toward headquarters in Albuquerque. It’s because the smaller site in California often gets the short end of the stick. But there were no constraints on the Albuquerque-bashing, which was frequent, daily, could get quite nasty, and was considered perfectly acceptable. I found it very upsetting because I really missed everyone in Albuquerque.

Anyway for months I couldn’t sleep, and I cried everyday on the way to work, and I cried everyday on the way home. After a few months, I finally got somewhat used to it and quit crying everyday. But then 4 years later, I just quit. I just couldn’t do it anymore. And that whole time, that boss was not part of the solution. He had no idea how to utilize my talents, did not support my repeated efforts to improve my usefulness to the company, and basically wasted my time.

It didn’t help that he never chose me – I just got stuck in his group when we moved, because they wanted John and they had to put me somewhere. But Carina hired me, and not only that, she told me that there were other managers in the department who also wanted to hire me, but she beat them to it! (I had applied to more than one position in that department, and she made the first offer.) She said, “Yay, I got her first!” I can tell you, my previous boss would never have said anything like that.

Carina’s leaving in a month. Then we’ll have an acting manager for awhile. It’ll be some time before I know who my next boss will be. I guess the hope is, if there are other managers who wanted to hire me too, then I could probably eventually do a lateral transfer in the same department if her replacement turns out to be terrible.