Dear dogs,

Awww, the poor gated dogs.

Reality check!

Dear Dogs: You’ve got the entire kitchen and dining area, a doggie door to a huge, COVERED patio and a beautiful & safe courtyard. You’ve got a ginormous “fuf” (https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B0055DXLVW/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1), you’ve got complete access to all kitchen crumbs, and you can see, hear (and probably smell) me working in the adjacent room, you’ve got 3 freshly laundered doggie beds, dozens of toys on the patio, and dirt to roll in.

Which brings me to my point. Dogs don’t need access to the ENTIRE house. Ever. Dogs need food, water, safety, shelter, decent temps, and a good amount of affection. But not the entire darn house.

So guess what – that’s where you live now. You ruined my couch and now I have to sit on a futon with my friends (with no throw pillows)!

And you are about to ruin my genuine, imported, heavy-weight, flokati rugs, which have piles of sand under them from your rolling in the dirt, (no, I don’t sweep the dirt under the rug, it filters through, geez.)

Not to mention you puke and ass-drag on them! Yes, on my flokati rugs. Yes, ass-drag. I made it up, but I’m sure it’s a word, Google it if it’s not obvious. Actually, you might not want to google it, you might get porn. The internet is a scary place.

I hope John is reading this…The. gates. stay. closed. Always and Forever, Amen.

(There, I managed to use the words “ass”, “porn”, and “amen”, all in the same post, while innocently talking about my darling little poodles. I hope they don’t shut me down.)