Dear Trader Joe’s

I love you. Really, I do. I spend more of my grocery money with you than anywhere else. I get on the freeway every week to go to you. You don’t know how much I hate getting on the freeway!

But I love your vibe, and in particular, I love all your organic food! In the war between gluten-free and organic, you definitely come down on the organic side, which suits me. What war, you may ask? Well, from a grocery store’s perspective, there’s the ongoing issue of optimal use of limited shelf space. From a shoppers perspective, there’s the annoyance of having to hunt through tons of unwanted products to find those rare few desired products.

For example, I also frequent another specialty store, and there the big “GF” signs predominate everywhere, but unfortunately they seem to not have realized that organic foods extend beyond just fresh fruits and vegetables. But you, Trader Joe’s, offer all kinds of unexpected goods in organic form, like organic mustard and organic mayonnaise!  Organic baked beans! All kinds of organic, but otherwise unhealthy snack foods! Amazing!

I used to be a gluten-free fan, until I realized that if I ate totally organic, wheat products no longer caused stomach aches and migraines. My theory is I’m possibly sensitive to glyphosate, which has recently started being used in much greater concentrations on wheat, now that they’ve developed “round-up ready” crops. So for me, gluten-free is “been there, tried that, didn’t work,” but organic is – yes, and I mean everything – from cooking oils to animal crackers.

So I figure that my immense devotion (and regular financial support) entitles me to a few comments.

Like, your paper towels suck. I bought them instead of my normal name brand, because I didn’t feel like stopping at the unnamed grocery store across the street from you. The first time John tried to dry his hands, your paper towels dissolved like toilet paper, and stuck in shreds and globs to his hands. This was very funny, but seriously Trader Joe’s, do you really want people making potty jokes about your paper towels? Your marketing people will tell you that your paper towels should evoke images of sparkling clean kitchens, not horrible bathroom incidents gone wrong.

And I just want to say for the record, this frozen pizza was burnt before I cooked it. See? Fresh from the freezer and still frozen solid, but clearly burnt along the edges by you, Mr. Trader Joe’s, and not by me. No user error here.

And my fancy, expensive goat cheese? It grows mold exactly one day after I buy it, before I’ve even opened it! It doesn’t matter when I buy it. It gets home to my refrigerator, sighs, and thinks, “Ah, finally, I can grow the mold I’ve been harboring all these weeks.”

So here’s the thing. I really don’t care when you PACKAGED the cheese. I don’t need your “packaged on” date. I need to know when it will grow amazing, multi-colored mold in my UNOPENED package. Give me a sell-by date, or use-by date, or something useful. Because I’m beginning to suspect that your “packaged on” date is a deliberate attempt at deviousness, because you KNOW it will grow mold within 12 hours of purchase.

Speaking of deviousness, my final gripe is with your products that proclaim, in huge print “NITRATE FREE!” and then in tiny print, “except what’s found naturally in celery.”  Because you know what? Just because it’s natural, does not mean it’s not nitrates.  Your preserved meat products are NOT nitrate free. What you should say is, “All nitrates sourced from celery.” You should also mention that your bacon and corned beef taste so much of celery, they’re barely edible.

Let me talk to you a minute about nitrates. It’s true that nitrates aren’t inherently bad or evil. They naturally occur in many foods. Which is why you probably think it’s fine to be so devious.

But nitrates do have an effect on people. Nitrates are converted in our mouth to nitrites, which are later converted to nitric oxide, which can dilate blood vessels. For some people, this can be a good thing. Many athletes promote nitrates in their diets in the hopes that increased blood flow will decrease recovery time and speed up healing of injuries. Blood vessel dilation can also reduce blood pressure by allowing for more blood volume with less pressure against the walls of the vessels.

The problem is, dilating blood vessels can cause migraines for those susceptible. One of the primary characteristics of migraines is the dilation of blood vessels in the brain. Excess dilation can even cause small amounts of BLOOD LEAKAGE IN THE BRAIN. This is a very straightforward reason why some people need to be aware of the level of nitrates in the foods they are eating.

So quit writing “NITRATE FREE!” on your products that are loaded with naturally occurring nitrates. You are attempting to mislead your customers, most of whom have not been in the mood lately to put up with a lot of self-serving BS (for reasons I won’t go into, but we all know).

And no, I don’t care if “everybody else does it.” You aren’t everybody else. You are Trader Joe’s, and I expect more out of you than that. And you know I wouldn’t say those things if I didn’t love you.