Not yet, not yet

I got pregnant when I was 19 years old. And when I was over 5 months along, and just turning 20, my husband and I moved from our home state of Oregon, all the way across the US to upstate New York. The shock of it all led to my daughter’s early arrival, a preemie, before her lungs had fully developed. Blue, and unable to breath for herself, she spent a week on oxygen as they warned us she could end up blind and brain damaged. It was the hardest week of my life.

She’s fine now. That was over 30 years ago.

My little sister, who lives all the way away in Boston, is 8 months along and is moving to her new house this weekend. I think that I am more worried than I would otherwise have been, because 30 years ago seems like last year, or maybe the year before. I feel for my sister – and probably also for my long past self.

My real estate agent is 6 1/2 months along, and is also moving to her new house this weekend. She’s fine, and I really doubt I would be worrying about her at all, except she is bringing to mind my sister. And probably also my barely-20-year-old-self and my tiny daughter who couldn’t breathe.

John’s friend and coworker is in the hospital right now, because she’s threatening to go in labor way, way, way, way too early. I am so frightened for her, a woman I don’t even know. Probably because these pregnancies, these babies that could come too soon, and the one who did come too soon, are all coalescing in my mind into one simple plea.

Not yet. Not yet. Don’t be born yet. Hold on. Hold off. There’s time.

Please, don’t lift the boxes. Please don’t even shove the boxes. Please don’t tug on that piece of furniture that isn’t in the right spot. Not even a little tug. Don’t even lean a little on that furniture that you’d so love to have a few feet over closer to that wall. Don’t do it.

All the things you think need done now; don’t.

Just sit on the couch. There’s no couch? Just sit on the floor. Just sit and know that everything is fine. The house may be chaos, but inside your mind you can create calm. Be still, and know, that you are mom.

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