What is happening to 2020?

Life is rapidly getting surreal. It was bad enough to be abruptly diagnosed with cancer. Even though I’ve already had surgery, I’m still not fully getting it. I have cancer? Cancer is something that happens to other people; your neighbor’s mom or your friend’s coworker’s spouse. But me? How is that possible? Cancer. Surgery. Chemo.

And now this pandemic. People are losing their jobs. People are running out of money. Food and supplies are becoming hard to obtain. Travel is shutting down. Businesses are closing. The entire education and service sectors are hobbled. The impacts are everywhere. The hospitals will soon be overwhelmed.

This morning I asked John if he could please go buy us eggs and cheese today. He said, “What kind of cheese?” I said, “Just something. Anything you can find.” He said, “It’s that bad?” Yes, it’s that bad. I didn’t even ask for bread because I don’t want him to spend all day on a wild goose chase.

(Picture from Laura)

I wonder what’s with that one remaining, beautiful-looking organic whole grain loaf? Is something wrong with it? Or were people just being polite; trained since childhood to not take the very last one?

It’s ridiculously ironic for me, because this was supposed to be the year that my life was going to be easier. My life has generally been somewhat difficult. Never horrendous. But my childhood was a challenge and then I was a single mom juggling work and school. Then the kids grew older and I juggled two careers – environmental science and life coaching. Plus multiple divorces and dozens of moves and job changes. And migraines; lots and lots of migraines.

It was only the last couple of years things started getting easier. First my migraines improved a couple of years ago. Then I quit my job last year. We were still busy at first – moving and getting the old house remodeled and sold and the new one set up.

But for the first time in my life, I was looking forward to having nothing I actually had to do. I planned to keep working part-time with a few clients, but otherwise 2020 loomed open, expansive, inviting. I started planning trips to see everyone. Southern California to see my good friend, and northern California to see my daughter in February, Florida with my sister in March, Texas to see my in-laws in March, then John’s been wanting to go to Alaska and I figured also camping in Idaho with my son this summer…I had all these wonderful plans.

It was to be my first year of being semi-mostly-retired. I almost feel, in some weird superstitious way, like I brought this all onto myself. My hubris? My selfishness? My shallowness? My optimism? …of planning a year of nothing but fun. Not that I actually think it’s my fault.

But it can’t just be crazy coincidence, can it, God? Right? Am I right? God, yeah, I’m talking to you. It’s your ass I’m talking to. The first year of my life that I’m not either in school or getting married or having kids or getting divorced, going back to school, looking for jobs, moving, getting married (again) starting a business, getting divorced (again), going back to school (again), looking for more jobs (again), getting married (again) moving (again), buying houses, selling houses, remodeling houses, looking for more jobs, moving for the 26th time (no exaggeration).

The first year in my life that I’ve had simply nothing difficult planned except a few fun trips…and now STAGE 3 CANCER and WORLD PANDEMIC?! Seriously? Not one but both? At the same time?! Are you fucking kidding me?