Robert

This is very difficult for me to write about, but it’s important enough that I’m going to. Robert is my children’s brother on their dad’s side. His mom is my children’s dad’s second wife, Kristy. He’s 24 years old, so only a few years younger than my own kids. They grew up with him whenever they were at their dad’s house. For Laura, that was a bit less than 50% of the time, for Darren it was more than 50% of his childhood.

We have just recently learned that Robert is very ill. A few weeks ago we first heard that he had a rare blood disorder with too many red blood cells and too many platelets, and was undergoing blood transfusions. Then two weeks ago we heard that he had suffered permanent vision loss, including blindness in one eye. Then last week the news was that it’s cancer. Also that he’s at a really high risk of stroke due to the thickness of his blood.

This is very sad news, but I’m still surprised how terribly upset I am about it. I never raised Robert, he’s not my kid; I honestly hardly know him. But he’s part of the family. I’ve been hearing all about him for 20 years. He and Darren fought like siblings and Darren would call me and I’d have to calm him down and admonish him to be nice to his little brother.

I also don’t know Kristy very well, but she put an enormous amount of effort into helping raise my kids (particularly Darren), and as far as I can tell, she did a fantastic job. Darren lived with his dad and Kristy for half of his middle school years and all of his high school years. Those were rough times for Darren, and Kristy was really patient with him. I’m grateful for her, and I’m devastated for her. Robert is her only child and I can’t even imagine how horrible this must be for her.

I feel helpless; I’m just the ex. They’re out in Washington State, and they certainly don’t want or need me showing up in their time of worry and grief. I sent a card, and told them to let me know if there’s anything I can do. But I can’t imagine what I could do.

I think this is affecting my relationship with John in a tangental sort of way. I’m feeling like life is short and unpredictable. I’m starting to get very uncomfortable with how much business travel John does and how many long hours he works. This has always bothered me, but I’m starting to feel like we really do need to figure out how to get his job down to a normal 40-hour week. I want him home after 5:00 in the evenings. I don’t want him out in the California Bay Area traffic trying to catch a late evening flight from Oakland. One time recently he flew from California to the east coast without even coming home in between; I don’t even know where he is half the time.

Also I’m wanting to push harder on the timeframe of getting the Placitas house remodel done and that house sold, and a new house for us purchased. I’m talking about commuting on the train instead of living in Santa Fe (that would involve giving up my coaching business because I wouldn’t have time to coach in the evenings). It would also be hard if I had to go home with a migraine. But somehow I’d like us home together in the evenings.

I also want to see my kids more often. I’ve got to get my act together and start being more willing to fly. Flying is very hard on me because of my sensory integration disorder. The same things bother me as bother everyone else – the noise, the smells, the crowded conditions, the movement of the plane, etc., but I think it’s just harder for me than average.

I don’t know what to do about the fact that John works long hours and travels a lot. And the fact that I work in a different city than he does. And that my kids live in different states. But it all doesn’t seem right somehow. And I feel vulnerable, and like I’m making the wrong choices in life. Because of what is happening to Robert.